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I was pregnant and now I’m not.

I found an ultrasound picture of you today. It hasn’t been that long but part of me feels like I shouldn’t still feel so destroyed by it. The fact that you are gone is very real to me, still. The ultrasound was dated just weeks after you came to life. I would have been 6 months pregnant now. I may have been in the ‘better part’ of my illness, perhaps having cravings or taking belly pictures. I would have felt your kick and known if you were a boy or a girl. I feel like you were a girl. I would have named you….

I am so sad, so very sad. I see pregnant women everywhere and I find myself averting my eyes from them or staring so in awe of their ability to be well. I am torn. Torn between immense happiness for this new life inside of them and knowing that it isn’t something that’s possible for me any longer. Life can be cruel.

I think of all of the people who have children and don’t want them and of all the children who are abused by parents who shouldn’t be; those sitting in foster care waiting for a loving family. I think of them all. I am beside myself in knowing that I would do it all again, if only I had the strength to. There, i said it. I would do it again. Even knowing that I wouldn’t be able to eat or drink for weeks at a time, that hospital stays and medications will take over my life, feel unbearable pain; that the minutes will crawl and I will wish upon death again and again…even knowing this. I would do it again.

I haven’t forgotten the changes in my body, how from the moment of conception my body shifts and illness takes over. I feel selfish for wanting another child and not being settled in my mind with the family that I am blessed enough to have. I feel like a horrible mother for knowing that the one precious child I have, will be left without me for the months that I can’t care for her. Will I sit with this until my years decide for me and then live in regret of not trying once more or will I gain some understanding that life is what it is, and be happy in knowing that this is my path, perfect just as it is. Will I become pregnant and lose a child again? I can’t bear to even think such thoughts.

I just wish you hadn’t left my belly. I wish I could have known you. Instead, I sit here mourning you. I wish I were stronger. I wish I had the answers. I was pregnant and now I’m not.

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