It’s not kosher, it ain’t PC

The nurse at the hospital started my IV this morning with the vitamin bag first. I mentioned that they always put vitamins last and does she think that it’s a good idea to switch it up. She said it made no difference, nor did the size of the needle that I shared with her, should be bigger. But what do I know anyhow? It’s not like I get treatments every other day or anything.

About 2 minutes into treatment my arm started hurting. The needle was too small, just like I said. The nurse told me it would get better. It didn’t but I was too exhausted to talk about it with her anymore. Moreover, mid-way through the treatment I started to get really sick. I was way more nauseous than before I came in, shaking and tired.

Apparently the nurse treating me also had HG but she was able to drink and she thought that ginger might help me. Also, what worked for her was eating all of the time and throwing up regardless, as “something will stay down and you need something….just have to breath through it…”

She then checked my vitals and said that I was fine but the second time she came in, she said she wanted to send me to the ER. I refused. 6 hours of more fluids with nothing else changing, except sending me home with more meds. Instead, I finished treatment and left to go home.

I fell asleep in the car and didn’t wake up until we reached the house. Then I slept for another 3 hours. I can’t describe how depleted I feel in these moments. I can’t even wake enough to go to the bathroom. It’s like the energy has been sucked from my body. When I did wake, I rushed to the couch and just laid there for the longest time staring out the window at the clouds. I love clouds. They remind me of being a little girl and watching them for hours, laying on the grass in the sun. I pretended that’s where I was, instead of immobile on the couch, feeling sorry for myself.

Today is not a good day. I’m whiny, sad, angry and bitter at all of this. I feel absolutely powerless. I reached a point today where I threw all of the covers over me and bawled like a six year old. I was able to eat a small piece of soy burger and instead of rejoicing, I feel nothing. I know it’s “a victory” but in the grand scheme of things, a little piece of soy burger wouldn’t sustain an ant. In 2 weeks, I have digested 6 pieces of food. I am starving. I am thirsty and I am depressed.

I’m not even sure I should submit this blog or if I should keep it as a draft and never let it be seen. Truth is, I can’t always find humor in every experience. HG isn’t some nicely packaged condition that the royal family portrayed to the media. It’s not morning sickness, ‘mind over matter’ or anything ginger can fix. I swear to God, if one more person tells me to try ginger….

I’m scared. This pregnancy is worse than the last one. I could never have anticipated this, not even with the experience of one HG pregnancy under my belt. Every pregnancy is different and life and who I am now, is not life or who I was back then. I’m scared. i can’t remember how to do this….


2 thoughts on “It’s not kosher, it ain’t PC

  1. Sending love and light from Ontario, dear friend. Keep writing your thoughts and feelings, don’t keep it inside.

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