Weighted and weathered

I met with my doctor yesterday afternoon. I needed to speak with her about how I am feeling and new ideas I had, as I’ve been scavenging blogs and research papers to try and find something that will alleviate my symptoms or at least allow me to eat and drink. One by one the ideas were side barred and little by little, I felt more and more defeated. There are so many risk factors associated with procedures when you are pregnant that the risks truly do outweigh the benefits. I can’t put myself in a more dangerous place, knowing that I have both Ryan and Chris to consider. Mid-lines, PICC lines, feeding tubes (I researched Nasogastric, Nasoduodenal, Nasojejunal, Gastrostomy, Gastrojejunostomy, and Jejunostomy feeding tubes) are not an option for me. The nurse called today with two more drug ideas to try. She called them in and I pick them up tomorrow. This weekend we’ll see what sticks.

I went to the hospital for treatment again last night. One bag saline, the other a “banana boat” as they call it, a yellow bag of vitamins. I ate a cracker with cheese while there and then an hour later hacked it up in the bathroom. I reached my emotional limit and started bawling uncontrollably in the bathroom. My nurse came in to check on me, standing in the doorway, she waited. She didn’t need to say anything, she just understood. She gave me a huge hug before I left. When I got home, I fell in to bed and didn’t wake up until the next morning.

Today has been a roller coaster. I woke up feeling really weighted from a new drug added to the mix, Promethazine (Pentazine, Phenergan.) I remember taking it very briefly while pregnant with Ryan but I forgot just how tired it makes me. This one will be okay to use at night (stop the nausea and help me sleep) but there’s no way I can use it during the day, having a toddler to care for, or at least listen to.

I was able to take a sip of juice, just enough to swallow my zophran. I stayed up for an hour or so, just observing the little ones. It’s important to me to be able to greet them as the arrive in the morning, so they know I am still there. In all honesty though, I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to keep up with that. The morning’s are certainly not the worst, but they on the top of the list for reasons to stay in bed.

I hired two wonderful teachers this week to start rotating days, on Monday. Having them here takes the stress of leading the class off of my plate. Now, I just need to get organized making menus and preparing crafts for the weeks ahead. I never realized how much I do on a daily basis to prepare and run the class, until I had to get it ready for someone else. I have a lot to do this weekend, with my bed being my new make-shift office. Chris will take on the job of preparing lunches and snacks the night before. Just one other thing I have added to his endless list of tasks. My inability to do anything is weighing heavily on my heart when I think about how much he has to pick up.

I was able to eat something today. A cheese quesadilla. I had a dream about it, so I sent Chris to get one for me. It was dry, which was the best bet. I ate it, cramped up and slept for 4.5 hours, apparently digesting it. I’m nauseous but so far, no throwing up. I’m committed to keeping it down. My body really needs it. I can’t kick exhaustion today. I keep needing to sleep and feel like I have a sedative in my body. I don’t like this feeling. It freaks me out and the only explanation I have is that my body is running out of fuel to keep me awake and active.

I can hear Chris and Ryan eating dinner in the other room. I can’t go out there because the smell of food is unbearable. I miss the simple act of sharing a meal together, the conversation that happens over dinner and just being surrounded by my family. This condition makes you feel alone. It puts you in a box and keeps you there for a long time and the best you can do to find air is to talk about it. So here I am, talking about it.

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