I don’t remember it being like this

It hurts to type. I’m home alone and I need to blog because I don’t have the energy to cry anymore. I’m in pain. I was laying in bed last night and heard a snap in my back. I’ve done something to it, without doing anything at all and it’s been tweaked all day. I’m burning up, whereas an hour ago, I was freezing cold. I haven’t drank or eaten anything and everything I put to my lips in an attempt to quench the thirst comes back in heaves. I can’t express to you what this feels like. It’s torture. I can stand for a minute before feeling faint and having to sit. I spend hours staring out the window at the magnolia tree, watch old reruns and sleep. My life is a circus of excitement.

The social worker called from the hospital to follow-up today. Poor woman probably needed a Valium after hanging up the phone with me. I was a basket case. I cried, she listened and the cycle continued for 20 minutes. She’s trying to work with me on finding relief from the outside stresses, gaining control where I can. I spoke to her about having a child to care for in the afternoons, but not being able to. She asked if I belonged to a church group (Namaste!) or have friends who can help me. I told her my friends are golden, but that I don’t want to burn them out with requests. She told me that that’s not how it works. “You give what you can, when you can and take what you have to, when you need it” she said. She asked me to reverse the roles, to look at what kind of friend I would be. Life’s not that black and white for me though. We’ll reflect on this another day, I’m sure.

I think I’ll be scheduling a telephone session with my therapist. I need it. I also need to figure out a good place for child drop-in care, Oh the irony, how to get to the rest of my scheduled treatments and how to write three final papers for my college completion due on August 20th. You know, with all the extra energy I have. FML.

Sorry this blog isn’t more funny today. Here’s a joke to make up for it:

Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
~Yes, pregnancy.

You’re welcome.



2 thoughts on “I don’t remember it being like this

  1. Tiny ice chips.
    Mouth swabs if you can get them.

    I just found your blog and my heart aches for what you are going through. I will search to see if there is anything that might help from a hedge witch’s perspective. Dear girl, hang in there. You are doing the work of angels right now.

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