I can’t drink anything today. I was feeling better yesterday afternoon but by late evening, I was worse. I slept on the couch, exhausted. It’s hard to believe how tired I am from doing nothing. I am so thirsty. Everything I try to drink makes me nauseous. The smell of it, the taste in my mouth. I’m revolted. Yet, I’m dying to drink something, anything. It’s torture.
I have a friend who emailed me. She’s a few weeks further along and going through the same thing. She hasn’t told anyone. It’s so hard. It’s her first and she has no idea what to expect. In some ways, I am grateful to at least have a point of reference. Though in reality, every pregnancy is different and every symptom like a new road trip to hell.
I felt like I had turned a page yesterday. HG, you sneaky bastard. I hate you so much. At the very least I want to be able to drink water. Nothing.
My doctor’s office called. I have to go for another treatment tomorrow. No one can go two days without eating and drinking. As crappy as treatments are, the do help. I was able to eat after my last one. I think it’s being able to pump meds directly into my veins. It works harder and faster. Or maybe it’s just actually having water in my body.
I’m seeing an OBGYN, a homeopath, doing BIE treatment and am going to start acupuncture some week. I’m really hoping something is going to stick. I need something to stick.
Today I feel like the shittiest mother. My amazing daughter needs a break from me. She misses her friends and playcare. She misses me taking her out “on adventures.” She asked me if we could go to the park today and I started crying as I told her that I was too sick to go outside. I need to figure something out. She came into the bedroom last night and held my hand. “Mummy, I’m so sorry that you’re sick. I love you so much. Feel better okay?” She said. I am so lucky to have this child. I wish I weren’t so sick and could spend more time with her. I miss our adventures already.
I miss wellness. I am so thirsty.
Today is not awesome.
Today I Feel Sick 
I worried so much about how it was for my first daughter, but she doesn’t even remember it now. She remembers some things (because of a medical emergency in the third trimester and the ambulance taking me to the hospital for 4 days, my first time away from her and a lot of big changes and experiences) and she remembers the home birth (a very happy memory for her).