A Scream Into The RainThey say that rain is a symbol of cleansing and that it represents an existence of new life.

When I was pregnant with Ryan, I was obsessed with the rain. I would listen to soundtracks of rain showers on repeat, dream of being drenched by rain storms, sit in the rain on my balcony, walk along the beach in the middle of thunder showers and wait for storms to appear so that I could feel the wet upon my skin. I find myself in this same place now.

Last night, I searched for the sounds of water splashing in puddles and listened to it over and over again. I sat underneath the cold spray of my shower, head and body submerged for half an hour. I pray upon the skies to fill with darkness and pour down on me, so that I may sit, ever so still, in it.

I wish to be cleansed. For this illness to be washed away from me, replaced only by health, wellness and a deep connection to the child that grows inside of me. I want to awaken from sleep, refreshed, energized and able bodied.

It’s warm and sunny today. I will wait.


18 more blankets please

I was able to eat yesterday, bits and bites but more than any day thus far. The nausea that accompanies this little success is overwhelming still. I spent the day in bed (as opposed to running a marathon?) and watched the entire BBC series of Jane Eyre. Way to depress yourself even more, eh?

I’ve still not mastered liquids. I don’t understand what the deal is there. Everything smells the complete opposite of what I remember it to have smelled like and nothing is appealing. Water is utterly disgusting and doesn’t even make the list of possibilities. I’m at a loss. My friend, Cari told me to try coconut water and I haven’t yet, so I’ll try. I have to try.

I rescheduled my iv treatment today from tomorrow. I can’t go more than a day in-between at this point. After a giant mix-up with paper work, we finally got a line in and once again, I felt a hundred times worse when I left. I’m really perplexed by this as fluids, which I lack, should make me feel better when I get them. Instead, my blood pressure lowers (the nurse took it three times in tandem today because she needed to be sure it was a good reading) and I have shaking fits, chills. The nurse buried me in 6 warm blankets to try and calm my body. Eventually, it calmed down. i left exhausted, nauseated and ready for sleep.

One of my moms came to preschool this morning and told me how thin I am. With a worried look she said “You look really thin now. I can really see you’ve lost weight.” Not eating will do that to you. “Best diet ever!” I replied. She laughed. I laughed. Oh sweet sarcasm.

I had the weirdest dream about cereal last night. I ate mounds and mounds of it, drenched in the most delicious sweet milk. Followed by the most amazing new york cheese cake. I f(*@&@) love cheesecake. Obviously, some cruel joke on my brain’s part but at least I am able to eat in my dreams.

I am fully aware how my blog are sounding so repetitive now, but what can I say? It’s the same deal every day. I feel you. I wish it weren’t and I had something totally awesome to share with you. Keep wishing on that star and maybe we’ll get there.


It’s not kosher, it ain’t PC

The nurse at the hospital started my IV this morning with the vitamin bag first. I mentioned that they always put vitamins last and does she think that it’s a good idea to switch it up. She said it made no difference, nor did the size of the needle that I shared with her, should be bigger. But what do I know anyhow? It’s not like I get treatments every other day or anything.

About 2 minutes into treatment my arm started hurting. The needle was too small, just like I said. The nurse told me it would get better. It didn’t but I was too exhausted to talk about it with her anymore. Moreover, mid-way through the treatment I started to get really sick. I was way more nauseous than before I came in, shaking and tired.

Apparently the nurse treating me also had HG but she was able to drink and she thought that ginger might help me. Also, what worked for her was eating all of the time and throwing up regardless, as “something will stay down and you need something….just have to breath through it…”

She then checked my vitals and said that I was fine but the second time she came in, she said she wanted to send me to the ER. I refused. 6 hours of more fluids with nothing else changing, except sending me home with more meds. Instead, I finished treatment and left to go home.

I fell asleep in the car and didn’t wake up until we reached the house. Then I slept for another 3 hours. I can’t describe how depleted I feel in these moments. I can’t even wake enough to go to the bathroom. It’s like the energy has been sucked from my body. When I did wake, I rushed to the couch and just laid there for the longest time staring out the window at the clouds. I love clouds. They remind me of being a little girl and watching them for hours, laying on the grass in the sun. I pretended that’s where I was, instead of immobile on the couch, feeling sorry for myself.

Today is not a good day. I’m whiny, sad, angry and bitter at all of this. I feel absolutely powerless. I reached a point today where I threw all of the covers over me and bawled like a six year old. I was able to eat a small piece of soy burger and instead of rejoicing, I feel nothing. I know it’s “a victory” but in the grand scheme of things, a little piece of soy burger wouldn’t sustain an ant. In 2 weeks, I have digested 6 pieces of food. I am starving. I am thirsty and I am depressed.

I’m not even sure I should submit this blog or if I should keep it as a draft and never let it be seen. Truth is, I can’t always find humor in every experience. HG isn’t some nicely packaged condition that the royal family portrayed to the media. It’s not morning sickness, ‘mind over matter’ or anything ginger can fix. I swear to God, if one more person tells me to try ginger….

I’m scared. This pregnancy is worse than the last one. I could never have anticipated this, not even with the experience of one HG pregnancy under my belt. Every pregnancy is different and life and who I am now, is not life or who I was back then. I’m scared. i can’t remember how to do this….


Weighted and weathered

I met with my doctor yesterday afternoon. I needed to speak with her about how I am feeling and new ideas I had, as I’ve been scavenging blogs and research papers to try and find something that will alleviate my symptoms or at least allow me to eat and drink. One by one the ideas were side barred and little by little, I felt more and more defeated. There are so many risk factors associated with procedures when you are pregnant that the risks truly do outweigh the benefits. I can’t put myself in a more dangerous place, knowing that I have both Ryan and Chris to consider. Mid-lines, PICC lines, feeding tubes (I researched Nasogastric, Nasoduodenal, Nasojejunal, Gastrostomy, Gastrojejunostomy, and Jejunostomy feeding tubes) are not an option for me. The nurse called today with two more drug ideas to try. She called them in and I pick them up tomorrow. This weekend we’ll see what sticks.

I went to the hospital for treatment again last night. One bag saline, the other a “banana boat” as they call it, a yellow bag of vitamins. I ate a cracker with cheese while there and then an hour later hacked it up in the bathroom. I reached my emotional limit and started bawling uncontrollably in the bathroom. My nurse came in to check on me, standing in the doorway, she waited. She didn’t need to say anything, she just understood. She gave me a huge hug before I left. When I got home, I fell in to bed and didn’t wake up until the next morning.

Today has been a roller coaster. I woke up feeling really weighted from a new drug added to the mix, Promethazine (Pentazine, Phenergan.) I remember taking it very briefly while pregnant with Ryan but I forgot just how tired it makes me. This one will be okay to use at night (stop the nausea and help me sleep) but there’s no way I can use it during the day, having a toddler to care for, or at least listen to.

I was able to take a sip of juice, just enough to swallow my zophran. I stayed up for an hour or so, just observing the little ones. It’s important to me to be able to greet them as the arrive in the morning, so they know I am still there. In all honesty though, I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to keep up with that. The morning’s are certainly not the worst, but they on the top of the list for reasons to stay in bed.

I hired two wonderful teachers this week to start rotating days, on Monday. Having them here takes the stress of leading the class off of my plate. Now, I just need to get organized making menus and preparing crafts for the weeks ahead. I never realized how much I do on a daily basis to prepare and run the class, until I had to get it ready for someone else. I have a lot to do this weekend, with my bed being my new make-shift office. Chris will take on the job of preparing lunches and snacks the night before. Just one other thing I have added to his endless list of tasks. My inability to do anything is weighing heavily on my heart when I think about how much he has to pick up.

I was able to eat something today. A cheese quesadilla. I had a dream about it, so I sent Chris to get one for me. It was dry, which was the best bet. I ate it, cramped up and slept for 4.5 hours, apparently digesting it. I’m nauseous but so far, no throwing up. I’m committed to keeping it down. My body really needs it. I can’t kick exhaustion today. I keep needing to sleep and feel like I have a sedative in my body. I don’t like this feeling. It freaks me out and the only explanation I have is that my body is running out of fuel to keep me awake and active.

I can hear Chris and Ryan eating dinner in the other room. I can’t go out there because the smell of food is unbearable. I miss the simple act of sharing a meal together, the conversation that happens over dinner and just being surrounded by my family. This condition makes you feel alone. It puts you in a box and keeps you there for a long time and the best you can do to find air is to talk about it. So here I am, talking about it.


Are you there God? It’s me, Opie

I called my nurse this morning. I told her the hell that was last night. Vomiting and weakness, cramping and nausea. I got so sick, I couldn’t make it off of the floor by myself. In between heaves I called upon God, I asked him for some reprieve. I’m pretty much seeking strength where ever I can get it at that point.

iv-vitamin-cShe scheduled me for another hospital treatment at 2pm. The nurse, not God. This time they added yellow saline infused with multi vitamins. I can imagine every cell in my body is doing a happy dance but I still feel like shit. The ride home is all the I can bare, between the light, sounds, smell and movement.

I have another treatment tomorrow evening, but I requested to speak with my doctor beforehand at her office. I need to express how worried I am now, how weak, sick, exhausted…thirsty. I’m unable to stand up for more than a few minutes now without needing to lay down and when I do, I’m light headed. I’m so tired too, which is normal for someone who hasn’t eaten anything in what seems like 12 years.

I asked the nurse if being admitted to the hospital over the weekend was an option. I would have 3 straight days with iv and fluid anti-nausea meds. They could monitor me and since it’s on the weekend, Chris would already be off of work. She told me that it’s extremely difficult to get people admitted to the hospital now. So, I have no idea the next steps. I can’t be admitted, I can’t get a mid-line for home infusions, I am not a candidate for a PICC line and my husband actually has a job that he needs to keep so he can’t be taking off to care for me. Where does that leave me? I’m not the only person who has ever suffered from this disease. I am frustrated and at a loss. What I do know is that I can’t keep going on like this.


I don’t remember it being like this

It hurts to type. I’m home alone and I need to blog because I don’t have the energy to cry anymore. I’m in pain. I was laying in bed last night and heard a snap in my back. I’ve done something to it, without doing anything at all and it’s been tweaked all day. I’m burning up, whereas an hour ago, I was freezing cold. I haven’t drank or eaten anything and everything I put to my lips in an attempt to quench the thirst comes back in heaves. I can’t express to you what this feels like. It’s torture. I can stand for a minute before feeling faint and having to sit. I spend hours staring out the window at the magnolia tree, watch old reruns and sleep. My life is a circus of excitement.

The social worker called from the hospital to follow-up today. Poor woman probably needed a Valium after hanging up the phone with me. I was a basket case. I cried, she listened and the cycle continued for 20 minutes. She’s trying to work with me on finding relief from the outside stresses, gaining control where I can. I spoke to her about having a child to care for in the afternoons, but not being able to. She asked if I belonged to a church group (Namaste!) or have friends who can help me. I told her my friends are golden, but that I don’t want to burn them out with requests. She told me that that’s not how it works. “You give what you can, when you can and take what you have to, when you need it” she said. She asked me to reverse the roles, to look at what kind of friend I would be. Life’s not that black and white for me though. We’ll reflect on this another day, I’m sure.

I think I’ll be scheduling a telephone session with my therapist. I need it. I also need to figure out a good place for child drop-in care, Oh the irony, how to get to the rest of my scheduled treatments and how to write three final papers for my college completion due on August 20th. You know, with all the extra energy I have. FML.

Sorry this blog isn’t more funny today. Here’s a joke to make up for it:

Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
~Yes, pregnancy.

You’re welcome.



3 sips and done

I woke up this morning feeling like I’d been run over by a truck. I decided that by not moving for an hour, I would gain some super strength or something and today would be different. Uh, ya. Nothing came, so I decided I would drink 3 sips of water before getting up. I did. I got up, I felt 12 feet tall,…and then, I vomited for 10 minutes. That’ll teach me.

The kids came to preschool today. I was so happy to see them and they told me how much they missed me. I decided I needed to get up to greet them, and I sat and watched them throughout the 4 hours. In all honesty though, it made me even sicker to be out of bed. I didn’t even do anything, but just being up caused me to throw up 3 more times. 7 weeks pregnant and already on bed rest? I’m so frustrated. Chris is great with the kids. They have so much fun with him and he’s so patient and loving. I’m fortunate to have him on my team.

I interviewed a potential teacher today on the phone. She sounds wonderful. I am meeting with her on Thursday. I told her how sick I am and made a joke that I would try to do my hair before she comes. She laughed. I laughed but wanted to cry, realizing how much of an effort even the smallest task is.

My friend Cari picked me up from the house and took me to the hospital for treatment today. My nurse remembered me from 4 years ago when I was there for treatments with my daughter. I remembered her too because she was always so amazing with the IV needles. I called her “IV Super Girl” and she is. I am grateful. The nurse from yesterday’s ER visit took 4 tries before she could get it in. Dear God.

Speaking of totally horrible things not to say to someone who is pregnant and starving….(smooth transition, ya?….) I was very emotional yesterday in the ER. Not eating or drinking for days will do that to a person. I asked my ER doctor how long I could go on like this, that I’m so thirsty and weak. She replied…. wait for it…..”Well, actually, they did a study on Nazi concentration camp survivors and how long they could go without eating. They found that 6 months was average for them….” *blink* WTF did she just say to me!???? I must be hallucinating. I smiled and said I was going to vomit, just to get her to leave.

How was your day?